faithful friend

Loyalty Without Honesty Is Duplicity

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24 Asahel the brother of Joab was one of the thirty; Elhanan the son of Dodo of Bethlehem, 25 Shammah of Harod, Elika of Harod, 26 Helez the Paltite, Ira the son of Ikkesh of Tekoa, 27 Abiezer of Anathoth, Mebunnai the Hushathite, 28 Zalmon the Ahohite, Maharai of Netophah, 29 Heleb the son of Baanah of Netophah, Ittai the son of Ribai of Gibeah of the people of Benjamin, 30 Benaiah of Pirathon, Hiddai of the brooks of Gaash, 31 Abi-albon the Arbathite, Azmaveth of Bahurim, 32 Eliahba the Shaalbonite, the sons of Jashen, Jonathan, 33 Shammah the Hararite, Ahiam the son of Sharar the Hararite, 34 Eliphelet the son of Ahasbai of Maacah, Eliam the son of Ahithophel the Gilonite, 35 Hezro of Carmel, Paarai the Arbite, 36 Igal the son of Nathan of Zobah, Bani the Gadite, 37 Zelek the Ammonite, Naharai of Beeroth, the armor-bearer of Joab the son of Zeruiah, 38 Ira the Ithrite, Gareb the Ithrite, 39 Uriah the Hittite: thirty-seven in all. – 2 Samuel 23:24-39 ESV

Chapter 23 closes with a list of 37 men. Several things should get our attention. First, there is the mention of Uriah the Hittite. His name at the end of this lengthy list of Hebrew heroes is surprising because of the nature of his relationship with David. If you recall, Uriah was the husband of Bathsheba, the woman with whom David had an illicit and illegal affair. While Uriah, a soldier in David’s army, was on deployment fighting the enemies of Israel, David took advantage of his absence by taking sexual liberties with his wife. Then when David discovered that Bathsheba was pregnant, he attempted to cover up his sin by ordering Uriah’s return from the battlefront. He had hoped that Uriah’s reunion with his wife would produce a convenient explanation for her pregnancy. But, ever the faithful soldier, Uriah refused to enjoy the pleasure of his wife’s company while his companions’ lives were at risk.

Uriah replied, “The Ark and the armies of Israel and Judah are living in tents, and Joab and my master’s men are camping in the open fields. How could I go home to wine and dine and sleep with my wife? I swear that I would never do such a thing.” – 2 Samuel 11:11 NLT

Frustrated by Uriah’s dedication to duty, David ordered him back to the front carrying his own death sentence in his hands. Uriah delivered a message to Joab, David’s military commander, ordering him to expose Uriah to enemy fire so that he might be killed. With Uriah out of the way, David would be free to take Bathsheba as his wife. Joab obeyed David’s orders and “assigned Uriah to a spot close to the city wall where he knew the enemy’s strongest men were fighting. And when the enemy soldiers came out of the city to fight, Uriah the Hittite was killed along with several other Israelite soldiers” (2 Samuel 11:16-17 NLT). 

So, it seems strange to see Uriah’s name on this list of David’s faithful men. While Uriah’s death took place early in David’s reign, he is recognized here at the end of David’s life as one of “the Thirty.” We don’t know exactly what that title entails and what the responsibilities were for each of these men, but we do know that they were considered men of distinction. Even David had to admit that Uriah, though long dead, had been a man of integrity. This dedicated soldier had refused all offers to return home and sleep with his wife while his fellow soldiers were battling the enemy. Uriah had turned down David’s counsel to enjoy the comforts of home, instead choosing to sleep on the doorstep of the king’s palace. When given the opportunity, Uriah jumped at the chance to return to the front lines. He denied personal pleasures and embraced his sense of duty and dedication. He died in the service of his king and country, placing him on the list of David’s mighty men.

A second thing that stands out in this chapter is the varied nature of the men on this list. Some were Israelites, while others were not. This list contains Paltites, Hushathites, Ahohites, Arbathites, Shaalbonites, Hararites, Gilonites, Arbites, Gadites, Ammonites, Ithrites, and Hittites. Not much is known about many of these people groups, but it reveals the ethnic diversity of David’s army. David’s cohort of mighty men was a multicultural blend of individuals from all walks of life and every conceivable ethnic background. Yet, despite their differences, they were unified in their love and support for David and were bound by their oaths of allegiance and willingness to lay down their lives.

No specifics are given regarding the actions of these men or how they came to be included in “the Thirty” but they were special to David. This collection of disparate individuals reveals the divine nature of David’s reign. Only God could have orchestrated such an unlikely blend of natural-born enemies and turned them into a powerful fighting force. These men were the byproduct of God’s sovereign will, not David’s faithfulness. David didn’t deserve their love and support. He had not earned their loyalty. Their presence and participation in his band of mighty men was the work of God and testifies to His faithfulness.

Over the years, David had been blessed to have the support of this brave and dedicated group of men. No doubt there were some who, like Uriah, gave their lives for David. Others fought for him or gave him counsel and advice. They had diverse backgrounds and different duties, but they all shared a lay-it-all-on-the-line dedication to David.

Conspicuously absent from the list is Joab, the long-time commander of David’s armies and the man who had stood beside him throughout his life. The relationship between the two men had soured when Joab disobeyed a direct order from David and killed Absalom, David’s son. Joab also killed Abner and Amasa, against the wishes of David. So, he is not included in David’s inner circle. But, interestingly enough, his armor-bearer is.

Joab’s absence from the list highlights an important point: The need for loyalty.  A true friend is a loyal friend. The men mentioned in this chapter had proven to be loyal and dedicated to David. They had fought by his side and taken great risks to ensure his personal safety and secure his reign. They didn’t let their ethnic differences stand in the way. They believed in David and were willing to give their all for the cause of the kingdom.

But Joab had also proven to be a loyal friend and faithful commander. Yet, his name is conspicuously left off the list. What makes his absence so glaring is that Joab had been the only one willing to be blunt and brutally honest with David. He loved him enough to call him out. When David was stuck in a state of perpetual mourning over the death of Absalom, it was Joab who called him out and demanded that he act like a king or face the loss of his kingdom. Joab was the loving but tough-talking friend who loved David enough to say what others would not. He knew David’s weaknesses and was willing to speak up even if it caused his friend to blow up.

But Joab did more than speak his mind; he also took action. As a faithful friend, Joab refused to let David destroy his kingdom through complacency and his propensity for apathy. Joab was unwilling to stand back and watch David ignore his duties as king. So, when necessary, he stepped in and did what David should have done. His execution of Absalom is a case in point. As the king, David should have ordered the death of his own son. Absalom was guilty of murder and deserved to die for his crime. But David couldn’t bring himself to prosecute and punish his own son. So, Joab did what David was too afraid to do; he fulfilled God’s law and ensured that justice was served.

That too, is an important character quality of a true friend. Someone who always agrees with you and conveniently overlooks your faults and failures is not someone who loves you. We all need a Joab in our lives, someone who will speak the truth in love. Surrounding ourselves with yes-men may boost our ego but it won’t build our character. The Proverb reminds us that  “A friend is always loyal, and a brother is born to help in time of need” (Proverbs 17:17 NLT). But a real friend doesn’t just show up, he speaks up. He doesn’t just rubber-stamp our actions or applaud our every decision; he points out our flaws and holds us accountable for our actions. David’s son Solomon highlighted the need for friends who are loyal but also honest.

Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy. – Proverbs 27:6 NLT

In the end, people appreciate honest criticism far more than flattery. – Proverbs 28:23 NLT

It’s always great to be surrounded by those who look up to you and are willing to do whatever it takes to make you successful. But sometimes you need one individual willing to say the hard things and hold you to a higher standard. Joab and David didn’t always get along. They didn’t always agree. But Joab had proven his faithfulness to David time and time again. He loved David too much and knew the greatest form of loyalty sometimes comes in the form of honesty. Joab refused to watch David risk his kingdom by losing the respect of his people. He wasn’t willing to maintain his friendship at the cost of his friend’s integrity.

David had no shortage of faithful followers, brave companions, and dedicated servants. But there were times when he could have used a few more men like Joab in his life. What kind of friend are you? Are you steadfast and faithful, always there when your friends need you? Are you willing to risk losing a friend by speaking up and calling them out over their sins? Joab was far from perfect; he had his own struggles with anger, impulsiveness, and vengefulness. But he loved David greatly. So much so that he was willing to risk David’s wrath by pointing out when he was wrong. A godly leader who has followers is fortunate, but a godly leader who has faithful and honest friends is truly blessed.

English Standard Version (ESV) The Holy Bible, English Standard Version. ESV® Permanent Text Edition® (2016). Copyright © 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers.

New Living Translation (NLT) Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

Words Can Hurt and Also Heal

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1 It was told Joab, “Behold, the king is weeping and mourning for Absalom.” 2 So the victory that day was turned into mourning for all the people, for the people heard that day, “The king is grieving for his son.” 3 And the people stole into the city that day as people steal in who are ashamed when they flee in battle. 4 The king covered his face, and the king cried with a loud voice, “O my son Absalom, O Absalom, my son, my son!” 5 Then Joab came into the house to the king and said, “You have today covered with shame the faces of all your servants, who have this day saved your life and the lives of your sons and your daughters and the lives of your wives and your concubines, 6 because you love those who hate you and hate those who love you. For you have made it clear today that commanders and servants are nothing to you, for today I know that if Absalom were alive and all of us were dead today, then you would be pleased. 7 Now therefore arise, go out and speak kindly to your servants, for I swear by the Lord, if you do not go, not a man will stay with you this night, and this will be worse for you than all the evil that has come upon you from your youth until now.” 8 Then the king arose and took his seat in the gate. And the people were all told, “Behold, the king is sitting in the gate.” And all the people came before the king.

Now Israel had fled every man to his own home. 9 And all the people were arguing throughout all the tribes of Israel, saying, “The king delivered us from the hand of our enemies and saved us from the hand of the Philistines, and now he has fled out of the land from Absalom. 10 But Absalom, whom we anointed over us, is dead in battle. Now therefore why do you say nothing about bringing the king back?” – 2 Samuel 19:1-10 ESV

David needed a kick in the pants. He may have been king, but he wasn’t acting like one. His faithful followers had just handed him a great victory over Absalom and his forces, returning him to the throne of Israel, but all he could do was weep and mourn over the loss of his son. No explanation is given for David’s deep depression and what appears to be excessive grief over the death of his rebellious son. It’s impossible to know whether David was grieving over the loss of Absalom or if he was suffering remorse over his own sins that had been the impetus for the entire affair. Perhaps David was regretting his less-than-stellar parenting skills that had led to his son’s loss of respect for him and, ultimately, his rebellion against him. Whatever the reason behind David’s ongoing grief, it had become a serious problem.

David had returned to power but had ordered no victory celebration to commemorate the occasion. He had offered no words of gratitude to his troops. He had failed to express his condolences to those families whose fathers and sons had died in the battle. In fact, the text makes it clear that David was obsessed with the loss of his son and nothing else. He remained in a perpetual state of mourning, repeating the words, “O my son Absalom, O Absalom, my son, my son!” (2 Samuel 19:4 ESV).

David’s dour mood affected the entire city. We’re told the people “crept back into the town that day as though they were ashamed and had deserted in battle” (2 Samuel 19:3 NLT). Absalom’s coup attempt had been successfully shut down but “the joy of that day’s victory was turned into deep sadness” (2 Samuel 19:2 NLT) – all because of David’s lingering sorrow over his son’s death.

David was an emotional wreck and in no state to shepherd the sheep of God. He had regained his throne but had effectively abdicated his responsibilities to lead his people. As he languished in sorrow, they began to lose faith in him. They questioned his love for them, and it seemed that this state of affairs would have gone on indefinitely had Joab not intervened.

As David’s long-time friend and the commander of his army, Joab refused to sit back and watch David squander this great victory and continue to treat his people with contempt. Angered by David’s actions, Joab stepped in and spoke up and, in doing so, he took a great risk. After all, David was the king and Joab had disobeyed his direct order to spare Absalom’s life. He had personally taken it upon himself to execute the king’s son and put an end to the rebellion. Now, he was going to confront the man who could have him put to death for his insubordination. But for Joab, it was worth the risk. Something had to be done. So, in a display of extreme selflessness, Joab entered the king’s chambers and read his friend the riot act.

“Today you have embarrassed all your servants who have saved your life this day, as well as the lives of your sons, your daughters, your wives, and your concubines. You seem to love your enemies and hate your friends! For you have as much as declared today that leaders and servants don’t matter to you.” – 2 Samuel 19:5-6 NLT

Joab pulled no punches and wasted no time with niceties. He didn’t stroke the king’s ego or give him a reassuring hug. He refused to join David in mourning the loss of Absalom because he didn’t share David’s sense of sorrow or regret over Absalom’s death. His decision to kill Absalom was motivated by his love for David and his concern for the well-being of the kingdom. Now, he was putting his own life on the line by dropping a truth bomb on his inconsolable and incapacitated friend.

The Bible has much to say about the power of a well-intended and well-timed rebuke. It is never something we like to do but there are times when it is exactly what we need to do. A rebuke, when done in love, has a curative and restorative quality to it. The apostle James reminds us, “you can be sure that whoever brings the sinner back will save that person from death and bring about the forgiveness of many sins” (James 5:20 NLT). David’s excessive mourning over the loss of Absalom was a sin. He was not only offending the sensibilities of his own people by overlooking all that they had done for him, but he was treating God with contempt by refusing to acknowledge that Absalom’s death had been divinely sanctioned. Through the actions of Joab, God had done what David had refused to do; punish Absalom for his murder of Amnon. David’s inaction led to Absalom’s loss of respect for him and, ultimately, to his decision to replace his father as king. Yet, God had graciously restored David to the throne. The Almighty had thwarted the plans of Absalom and reasserted His sovereign will for His chosen servant, David. But it took a wake-up call from Joab to shake David out of his debilitating state of melancholy and lethargy.

The Proverbs of Solomon have much to say about the topic of rebuke.

Whoever rebukes a man will afterward find more favor than he who flatters with his tongue. – Proverbs 28:23 ESV

Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy. – Proverbs 27:5-6 ESV

Solomon would go on to discuss the same topic in the Book of Ecclesiastes.

Better to be criticized by a wise person than to be praised by a fool. – Ecclesiastes 7:5 NLT

Perhaps Solomon, the son of David and the God-appointed heir to David’s throne learned these lessons from observing his father. He may have recalled his father’s response to Absalom’s death and hearing of Joab’s timely intervention. It’s also likely that he was familiar with the words his father penned in one of his psalms:

Let the godly strike me! It will be a kindness! If they correct me, it is soothing medicine. Don’t let me refuse it. – Psalm 141:5 NLT

What Joab had to say was difficult for David to hear. His words would have stung but they were necessary and exactly what David needed at this point in his life. Blinded by his grief, David was oblivious to the devastating impact his actions were having on all those around him. So Joab was blunt, even harsh, telling David, “You seem to love those who hate you and hate those who love you” (2 Samuel 19:6 NLT).

Those words must have been like a slap in the face to David. But Joab was not done. He continued to berate David, stating, “It seems that if Absalom had lived and all of us had died, you would be pleased” (2 Samuel 19:6 NLT). In this obvious use of hyperbole, Joab was trying to shock his friend into recognizing the error of his ways. The exaggerated nature of Joab’s words was intended to elicit some kind of response from his listless friend. His language was meant to shock and shame David in action.

One can only imagine how David’s excessive sorrow over Absalom’s death affected his other children. How were they supposed to take this over-the-top display of sorrow for their murderous and rebellious brother? What about the ten concubines who had been sexually humiliated by Absalom on the palace rooftop? How did they feel when David wept uncontrollably over the loss of his son but refused to address what he had done to them. There is no indication in the text that David ever addressed these women personally or did anything to alleviate their pain and loss.

David’s behavior had become dangerously destructive. His fractured kingdom and damaged reputation needed repair, but his obsession with Absalom’s death was doing more harm than good. So, once again, Joab took matters into his own hands and did what needed to be done. He was willing to wound his friend and risk his own life to save the kingdom – and his efforts worked.

So the king went out and took his seat at the town gate, and as the news spread throughout the town that he was there, everyone went to him. – 2 Samuel 19:8 NLT

Joab put his neck on the line. But why? Because he cared for David. He knew that if he did nothing, the ramifications would be devastating. He warned David, “Now go out there and congratulate your troops, for I swear by the Lord that if you don’t go out, not a single one of them will remain here tonight. Then you will be worse off than ever before” (2 Samuel 19:7 NLT). Doing nothing was not an option for Joab. He could not afford to sit back and watch David destroy the kingdom. There was far too much at stake.

As the Proverbs states, faithful are the wounds of a friend. Words, even when spoken in love, can hurt. But if our intention is to restore and reconcile, then the pain will be well worth it. If we are motivated by love, our words, while initially hurtful, will prove helpful in the long run. David was in deep sorrow, but it was a misdirected and unhealthy kind of sorrow that was destroying all those around him. He expressed no sorrow over the 20,000 Israelites who lost their lives in the battle between his forces and those of Absalom. He displayed no regret or repentance for his role in the whole affair. Not once does David confess to God or admit his culpability for all that had taken place. So, in a sense, David’s sorrow was unacceptable because it mourned over the wrong things. The apostle Paul provides a powerful reminder of what godly sorrow really looks like:

For the kind of sorrow God wants us to experience leads us away from sin and results in salvation. There’s no regret for that kind of sorrow. But worldly sorrow, which lacks repentance, results in spiritual death. – 2 Corinthians 7:10 NLT

Had Joab not spoken up, David might never have woken up to the devastating nature of his actions. Joab’s love is evidenced in his willingness to say the hard things that David needed to hear. To say nothing would have been easier, but it would have been nothing less than an expression of hatred.

English Standard Version (ESV) The Holy Bible, English Standard Version. ESV® Permanent Text Edition® (2016). Copyright © 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers.

New Living Translation (NLT) Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

Tough Love.

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But I call God to witness against me—it was to spare you that I refrained from coming again to Corinth. Not that we lord it over your faith, but we work with you for your joy, for you stand firm in your faith.

For I made up my mind not to make another painful visit to you. For if I cause you pain, who is there to make me glad but the one whom I have pained? And I wrote as I did, so that when I came I might not suffer pain from those who should have made me rejoice, for I felt sure of all of you, that my joy would be the joy of you all. For I wrote to you out of much affliction and anguish of heart and with many tears, not to cause you pain but to let you know the abundant love that I have for you. – 2 Corinthians 1:23-2:4 ESV

Even as an apostle of Jesus Christ, Paul did not see himself as spiritually superior to the Corinthians. He viewed himself as their ally and an asset to their spiritual development. He claims, “we work with you for your joy” (2 Corinthians 1:24 ESV). He, Silas and Timothy were tools in God’s hands, used by Him to assist the Corinthians in their growth and development. And in spite of some of the issues going on within the church in Corinth, Paul still felt like they were firm in their faith. This made his decision to delay his visit, fully based on the will of God, much easier to make.

But there was another reason he postponed his visit: to keep from causing them pain and sorrow. Evidently, Paul had made a second visit to Corinth some time between his original one when he helped establish the church there. It was on this second visit that he had to deal with some particularly difficult circumstances taking place in the church. This occasion had caused great pain. Being reprimanded is never easy. And having to be the one to call them out had not been enjoyable for Paul either. So, he says, “I decided that I would not bring you grief with another painful visit. For if I cause you grief, who will make me glad? Certainly not someone I have grieved” (2 Corinthians 2:1-2 NLT). It hurt Paul to have to reprimand those whom he loved. This reveals his pastor’s heart, his deep care and affection for the believers in Corinth. They were his children in the faith and he had a deep and abiding love for them and felt a strong sense of responsibility for them. 

Instead of paying them a potentially painful visit, Paul decided to write them a letter. “That is why I wrote to you as I did, so that when I do come, I won’t be grieved by the very ones who ought to give me the greatest joy. Surely you all know that my joy comes from your being joyful” (2 Corinthians 2:3 NLT). The letter, now lost, was evidently quite blunt and caused Paul “great anguish” to write. Having to write it caused him great sorrow and left him in tears. But it was necessary and written in love. It was Paul’s hope and desire that the Corinthians would take seriously the painful rebuke and loving reprimand found in his letter and do something about it. What he had written had been for their good and he longed for them to listen to his words and change their ways. Otherwise, when he did finally visit them, it would be another painful reunion.

While Paul loved and cared for the Corinthians, he loved them too much to allow them to continue in sin. His affection for them was based on the love of Christ and his knowledge that he was responsible to God for their spiritual welfare. Paul did not enjoy or take pleasure in hurting them. He simply wanted to see them enjoy all that God had in store for them, made possible by the death of Christ on the cross. Later on in this letter, Paul gives them an explanation for the harsh nature of his previous letter.

I am not sorry that I sent that severe letter to you, though I was sorry at first, for I know it was painful to you for a little while. Now I am glad I sent it, not because it hurt you, but because the pain caused you to repent and change your ways. It was the kind of sorrow God wants his people to have, so you were not harmed by us in any way. For the kind of sorrow God wants us to experience leads us away from sin and results in salvation. There’s no regret for that kind of sorrow. But worldly sorrow, which lacks repentance, results in spiritual death. – 2 Corinthians 7:8-10 NLT

Paul found joy in their repentance, not in their happiness. To refrain from telling someone the truth just because you don’t want to cause them pain is not love. It is a twisted form of hate. To knowingly allow them to continue in sin is cruel and makes you an accomplice in their sin. You are actually enabling their sinful behavior through you silence. Too often, as Christians, our fear of losing face or friends keeps us from saying what needs to be sad. But Paul believed that holiness was far more important than happiness. Our love for one another is best expressed in our unwillingness to tolerate sin in one another’s lives. Which is why Paul told the Colossian believers: “Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom” (Colossians 3:16 ESV). Jesus said, “If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him” (Luke 17:3 ESV). Solomon wrote, “Faithful are the wounds of a friend” (Proverbs 27:3 ESV). David wrote, “Let the godly strike me! It will be a kindness! If they correct me, it is soothing medicine. Don’t let me refuse it” (Psalm 141:5 NLT).

Tough love is tough to pull off. It is difficult to confront those whom we love. It caused Paul pain to say what he had to say to the Corinthians. But it was necessary. It was the godly thing to do. He told the Corinthians that he wrote the previous letter “to let you know how much love I have for you” (2 Corinthians 2:4 NLT). When we care for another believer’s holiness more than we do their happiness, we truly love them. When we’re willing to risk their rejection in order to bring about their repentance, we truly love them. When their relationship with God takes precedence over their friendship with us, we truly love them. Faithful are the wounds of a friend.