friends

Loyalty Without Honesty Is Duplicity

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24 Asahel the brother of Joab was one of the thirty; Elhanan the son of Dodo of Bethlehem, 25 Shammah of Harod, Elika of Harod, 26 Helez the Paltite, Ira the son of Ikkesh of Tekoa, 27 Abiezer of Anathoth, Mebunnai the Hushathite, 28 Zalmon the Ahohite, Maharai of Netophah, 29 Heleb the son of Baanah of Netophah, Ittai the son of Ribai of Gibeah of the people of Benjamin, 30 Benaiah of Pirathon, Hiddai of the brooks of Gaash, 31 Abi-albon the Arbathite, Azmaveth of Bahurim, 32 Eliahba the Shaalbonite, the sons of Jashen, Jonathan, 33 Shammah the Hararite, Ahiam the son of Sharar the Hararite, 34 Eliphelet the son of Ahasbai of Maacah, Eliam the son of Ahithophel the Gilonite, 35 Hezro of Carmel, Paarai the Arbite, 36 Igal the son of Nathan of Zobah, Bani the Gadite, 37 Zelek the Ammonite, Naharai of Beeroth, the armor-bearer of Joab the son of Zeruiah, 38 Ira the Ithrite, Gareb the Ithrite, 39 Uriah the Hittite: thirty-seven in all. – 2 Samuel 23:24-39 ESV

Chapter 23 closes with a list of 37 men. Several things should get our attention. First, there is the mention of Uriah the Hittite. His name at the end of this lengthy list of Hebrew heroes is surprising because of the nature of his relationship with David. If you recall, Uriah was the husband of Bathsheba, the woman with whom David had an illicit and illegal affair. While Uriah, a soldier in David’s army, was on deployment fighting the enemies of Israel, David took advantage of his absence by taking sexual liberties with his wife. Then when David discovered that Bathsheba was pregnant, he attempted to cover up his sin by ordering Uriah’s return from the battlefront. He had hoped that Uriah’s reunion with his wife would produce a convenient explanation for her pregnancy. But, ever the faithful soldier, Uriah refused to enjoy the pleasure of his wife’s company while his companions’ lives were at risk.

Uriah replied, “The Ark and the armies of Israel and Judah are living in tents, and Joab and my master’s men are camping in the open fields. How could I go home to wine and dine and sleep with my wife? I swear that I would never do such a thing.” – 2 Samuel 11:11 NLT

Frustrated by Uriah’s dedication to duty, David ordered him back to the front carrying his own death sentence in his hands. Uriah delivered a message to Joab, David’s military commander, ordering him to expose Uriah to enemy fire so that he might be killed. With Uriah out of the way, David would be free to take Bathsheba as his wife. Joab obeyed David’s orders and “assigned Uriah to a spot close to the city wall where he knew the enemy’s strongest men were fighting. And when the enemy soldiers came out of the city to fight, Uriah the Hittite was killed along with several other Israelite soldiers” (2 Samuel 11:16-17 NLT). 

So, it seems strange to see Uriah’s name on this list of David’s faithful men. While Uriah’s death took place early in David’s reign, he is recognized here at the end of David’s life as one of “the Thirty.” We don’t know exactly what that title entails and what the responsibilities were for each of these men, but we do know that they were considered men of distinction. Even David had to admit that Uriah, though long dead, had been a man of integrity. This dedicated soldier had refused all offers to return home and sleep with his wife while his fellow soldiers were battling the enemy. Uriah had turned down David’s counsel to enjoy the comforts of home, instead choosing to sleep on the doorstep of the king’s palace. When given the opportunity, Uriah jumped at the chance to return to the front lines. He denied personal pleasures and embraced his sense of duty and dedication. He died in the service of his king and country, placing him on the list of David’s mighty men.

A second thing that stands out in this chapter is the varied nature of the men on this list. Some were Israelites, while others were not. This list contains Paltites, Hushathites, Ahohites, Arbathites, Shaalbonites, Hararites, Gilonites, Arbites, Gadites, Ammonites, Ithrites, and Hittites. Not much is known about many of these people groups, but it reveals the ethnic diversity of David’s army. David’s cohort of mighty men was a multicultural blend of individuals from all walks of life and every conceivable ethnic background. Yet, despite their differences, they were unified in their love and support for David and were bound by their oaths of allegiance and willingness to lay down their lives.

No specifics are given regarding the actions of these men or how they came to be included in “the Thirty” but they were special to David. This collection of disparate individuals reveals the divine nature of David’s reign. Only God could have orchestrated such an unlikely blend of natural-born enemies and turned them into a powerful fighting force. These men were the byproduct of God’s sovereign will, not David’s faithfulness. David didn’t deserve their love and support. He had not earned their loyalty. Their presence and participation in his band of mighty men was the work of God and testifies to His faithfulness.

Over the years, David had been blessed to have the support of this brave and dedicated group of men. No doubt there were some who, like Uriah, gave their lives for David. Others fought for him or gave him counsel and advice. They had diverse backgrounds and different duties, but they all shared a lay-it-all-on-the-line dedication to David.

Conspicuously absent from the list is Joab, the long-time commander of David’s armies and the man who had stood beside him throughout his life. The relationship between the two men had soured when Joab disobeyed a direct order from David and killed Absalom, David’s son. Joab also killed Abner and Amasa, against the wishes of David. So, he is not included in David’s inner circle. But, interestingly enough, his armor-bearer is.

Joab’s absence from the list highlights an important point: The need for loyalty.  A true friend is a loyal friend. The men mentioned in this chapter had proven to be loyal and dedicated to David. They had fought by his side and taken great risks to ensure his personal safety and secure his reign. They didn’t let their ethnic differences stand in the way. They believed in David and were willing to give their all for the cause of the kingdom.

But Joab had also proven to be a loyal friend and faithful commander. Yet, his name is conspicuously left off the list. What makes his absence so glaring is that Joab had been the only one willing to be blunt and brutally honest with David. He loved him enough to call him out. When David was stuck in a state of perpetual mourning over the death of Absalom, it was Joab who called him out and demanded that he act like a king or face the loss of his kingdom. Joab was the loving but tough-talking friend who loved David enough to say what others would not. He knew David’s weaknesses and was willing to speak up even if it caused his friend to blow up.

But Joab did more than speak his mind; he also took action. As a faithful friend, Joab refused to let David destroy his kingdom through complacency and his propensity for apathy. Joab was unwilling to stand back and watch David ignore his duties as king. So, when necessary, he stepped in and did what David should have done. His execution of Absalom is a case in point. As the king, David should have ordered the death of his own son. Absalom was guilty of murder and deserved to die for his crime. But David couldn’t bring himself to prosecute and punish his own son. So, Joab did what David was too afraid to do; he fulfilled God’s law and ensured that justice was served.

That too, is an important character quality of a true friend. Someone who always agrees with you and conveniently overlooks your faults and failures is not someone who loves you. We all need a Joab in our lives, someone who will speak the truth in love. Surrounding ourselves with yes-men may boost our ego but it won’t build our character. The Proverb reminds us that  “A friend is always loyal, and a brother is born to help in time of need” (Proverbs 17:17 NLT). But a real friend doesn’t just show up, he speaks up. He doesn’t just rubber-stamp our actions or applaud our every decision; he points out our flaws and holds us accountable for our actions. David’s son Solomon highlighted the need for friends who are loyal but also honest.

Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy. – Proverbs 27:6 NLT

In the end, people appreciate honest criticism far more than flattery. – Proverbs 28:23 NLT

It’s always great to be surrounded by those who look up to you and are willing to do whatever it takes to make you successful. But sometimes you need one individual willing to say the hard things and hold you to a higher standard. Joab and David didn’t always get along. They didn’t always agree. But Joab had proven his faithfulness to David time and time again. He loved David too much and knew the greatest form of loyalty sometimes comes in the form of honesty. Joab refused to watch David risk his kingdom by losing the respect of his people. He wasn’t willing to maintain his friendship at the cost of his friend’s integrity.

David had no shortage of faithful followers, brave companions, and dedicated servants. But there were times when he could have used a few more men like Joab in his life. What kind of friend are you? Are you steadfast and faithful, always there when your friends need you? Are you willing to risk losing a friend by speaking up and calling them out over their sins? Joab was far from perfect; he had his own struggles with anger, impulsiveness, and vengefulness. But he loved David greatly. So much so that he was willing to risk David’s wrath by pointing out when he was wrong. A godly leader who has followers is fortunate, but a godly leader who has faithful and honest friends is truly blessed.

English Standard Version (ESV) The Holy Bible, English Standard Version. ESV® Permanent Text Edition® (2016). Copyright © 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers.

New Living Translation (NLT) Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

Wisdom is a Rare Commodity These Days

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1 Then Job answered and said:

2 “No doubt you are the people,
    and wisdom will die with you.
3 But I have understanding as well as you;
    I am not inferior to you.
    Who does not know such things as these?
4 I am a laughingstock to my friends;
    I, who called to God and he answered me,
    a just and blameless man, am a laughingstock.
5 In the thought of one who is at ease there is contempt for misfortune;
    it is ready for those whose feet slip.
6 The tents of robbers are at peace,
    and those who provoke God are secure,
    who bring their god in their hand.

7 “But ask the beasts, and they will teach you;
    the birds of the heavens, and they will tell you;
8 or the bushes of the earth, and they will teach you;
    and the fish of the sea will declare to you.
9 Who among all these does not know
    that the hand of the Lord has done this?
10 In his hand is the life of every living thing
    and the breath of all mankind.
11 Does not the ear test words
    as the palate tastes food?
12 Wisdom is with the aged,
    and understanding in length of days.

13 “With God are wisdom and might;
    he has counsel and understanding.
14 If he tears down, none can rebuild;
    if he shuts a man in, none can open.
15 If he withholds the waters, they dry up;
    if he sends them out, they overwhelm the land.
16 With him are strength and sound wisdom;
    the deceived and the deceiver are his.
17 He leads counselors away stripped,
    and judges he makes fools.
18 He looses the bonds of kings
    and binds a waistcloth on their hips.
19 He leads priests away stripped
    and overthrows the mighty.
20 He deprives of speech those who are trusted
    and takes away the discernment of the elders.
21 He pours contempt on princes
    and loosens the belt of the strong.
22 He uncovers the deeps out of darkness
    and brings deep darkness to light.
23 He makes nations great, and he destroys them;
    he enlarges nations, and leads them away.
24 He takes away understanding from the chiefs of the people of the earth
    and makes them wander in a trackless waste.
25 They grope in the dark without light,
    and he makes them stagger like a drunken man.” – Job 12:1-25 ESV

Job has just had to listen to a third “friend” share his unsympathetic assessment of his circumstances, and he can’t keep from responding. He probably knew his friends meant well, but he was in no mood to listen to more of these arm-chair quarterbacks as they pontificated about his plight.

For Job, the idea that God was somehow responsible for his condition was a no-brainer. Whether or not God was behind his difficult circumstances was not the issue. He firmly believed that God was in control and so, ultimately, God was responsible. God could have prevented the disasters and the disease that had impacted Job’s life, but He had chosen not to. Job fully understood the power and might of God. He knew that God was providentially in control over the affairs of all men – rich and poor, strong and weak, righteous and unrighteous. Job’s belief in the sovereignty of God was unshakeable.

“True wisdom and real power belong to God; from him we learn how to live, and also what to live for. If he tears something down, it’s down for good; if he locks people up, they’re locked up for good. If he holds back the rain, there’s a drought; if he lets it loose, there’s a flood. Strength and success belong to God; both deceived and deceiver must answer to him.” – Job 12:13-15 MSG

So, Job knew that God alone could provide the answer as to why he was suffering, and he was fully convinced that it had nothing to do with his sin. Yet Job’s friends had reached a different conclusion. They kept blaming his condition on his sinfulness but couldn’t tell him exactly what he had done to deserve such harsh judgment from God.

Job was convinced of his own innocence and he was certain that God would have to agree. Which means there had to be another reason for his suffering. All he wanted was the chance to ask God face-to-face. So, he pushed back hard on Zophar’s counsel and sarcastically questioned his friends’ over-confident assertions regarding his guilt.

“You people really know everything, don’t you?
    And when you die, wisdom will die with you!
Well, I know a few things myself—
    and you’re no better than I am.
    Who doesn’t know these things you’ve been saying?” – Job 12:2-3 NLT

He wasn’t going to argue with their thoughts concerning God’s omnipotence and omniscience. It was their cocky assurance regarding his guilt that drove him crazy. They were actually mocking him for attempting to demand an explanation from God. From their perspective, God owed him nothing and he was wasting his breath and his time pleading for God to come to his defense. That day was never going to come. But that didn’t keep Job from declaring his frustration with God’s apparent disinterest in his plight. He saw the wicked receiving better treatment from God, while he was kept in the dark and denied a response to his pleas for acquittal and restoration.

“…robbers are left in peace,
    and those who provoke God live in safety—
    though God keeps them in his power.” – Job 12:6 NLT

All he was asking for was a fair shake. Even the animals, birds, and fish enjoyed were the unwitting and undeserving beneficiaries of God’s grace, so why was he denied the right to a response and the hope of a fair trial?

“…the life of every living thing is in his hand,
    and the breath of every human being.” – Job 12:10 NLT

As far as he could tell, the rest of nature seemed to get a fair shake from the Creator, while he was left to suffer in insufferable silence. Job was hoping for vindication, but was willing to settle for a little justification from God for his plight. Job didn’t think his friends were stupid, but he also didn’t think they had a monopoly on wisdom. That was the purview of God.

“Wisdom belongs to the aged,
    and understanding to the old.

“But true wisdom and power are found in God;
    counsel and understanding are his.” – Job 12:12-13 NLT

His friends could continue to regale him with all their earthly wit and wisdom but he wouldn’t be satisfied until he heard directly from the source of all wisdom: God Almighty. Compared to God, every other counselor is nothing but a hapless fool spouting man-made platitudes and helpless homilies.

“Yes, strength and wisdom are his;
    deceivers and deceived are both in his power.
He leads counselors away, stripped of good judgment;
    wise judges become fools.” – Job 12:16-17 NLT

From Job’s perspective, listening to his three friends was a royal waste of time because they were clueless as to what was really going on. They couldn’t provide any real insight into his circumstances because their point of view was hampered by their earth-bound perspectives. And Job warned them that God would ultimately expose them as frauds rather than faithful friends.

“He silences the trusted adviser
    and removes the insight of the elders.” – Job 12:20 NLT

When exposed to the penetrating light of God’s wisdom, their wonderful words of advice would whither like weeds in the hot midday sun. Job truly believed that he would one day be vindicated by God and his friends would learn just how wrong they had been.

“He strips kings of understanding
    and leaves them wandering in a pathless wasteland.
They grope in the darkness without a light.
    He makes them stagger like drunkards.” – Job 12:24-25 NLT

But Job maintained his confidence in the goodness of God, and expressed his firm belief that God’s light would eventually shine on his life again and make sense of all the madness.

“He uncovers mysteries hidden in darkness;
    he brings light to the deepest gloom.” – Job 12:22 NLT

But in the meantime, Job maintained his right to state his case before the Judge of the universe. All he was asking for was a fair trial. He was willing to accept whatever sentence God might mete out, but what he couldn’t take was God’s continued silence.

English Standard Version (ESV) The Holy Bible, English Standard Version. ESV® Permanent Text Edition® (2016). Copyright © 2001

New Living Translation (NLT) Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

The Suffering Need God, Not Guilt

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1 Then Zophar the Naamathite answered and said:

2 “Should a multitude of words go unanswered,
    and a man full of talk be judged right?
3 Should your babble silence men,
    and when you mock, shall no one shame you?
4 For you say, ‘My doctrine is pure,
    and I am clean in God’s eyes.’
5 But oh, that God would speak
    and open his lips to you,
6 and that he would tell you the secrets of wisdom!
    For he is manifold in understanding.
Know then that God exacts of you less than your guilt deserves.

7 “Can you find out the deep things of God?
    Can you find out the limit of the Almighty?
8 It is higher than heaven—what can you do?
    Deeper than Sheol—what can you know?
9 Its measure is longer than the earth
    and broader than the sea.
10 If he passes through and imprisons
    and summons the court, who can turn him back?
11 For he knows worthless men;
    when he sees iniquity, will he not consider it?
12 But a stupid man will get understanding
    when a wild donkey’s colt is born a man!

13 “If you prepare your heart,
    you will stretch out your hands toward him.
14 If iniquity is in your hand, put it far away,
    and let not injustice dwell in your tents.
15 Surely then you will lift up your face without blemish;
    you will be secure and will not fear.
16 You will forget your misery;
    you will remember it as waters that have passed away.
17 And your life will be brighter than the noonday;
    its darkness will be like the morning.
18 And you will feel secure, because there is hope;
    you will look around and take your rest in security.
19 You will lie down, and none will make you afraid;
    many will court your favor.
20 But the eyes of the wicked will fail;
    all way of escape will be lost to them,
    and their hope is to breathe their last.” – Job 11:1-22 ESV

After Job finished his gloomy response to Bildad’s less-than-encouraging speech, he had to hear from the third friend who had been waiting in the wings and eagerly biding his time until he could put in his two cents. And Zophar wasted no time in delivering a stinging indictment against Job, filled with carefully worded one-liners that he hoped would shake his friend out of his self-righteous self-denial and force him to confess his obvious guilt.

Zophar, like his friends before him, had taken a look at Job’s circumstances and concluded that Job had done something terribly wrong. He was being punished by God for his sins and all Job had to do was confess and change his behavior. According to Zophar, if Job follows his advice, God will forgive and restore him.

Sounds great, but there’s only one problem. Job is innocent. He has done nothing wrong to deserve all that has happened to him. He has done nothing of which to repent. He is confused, hurt, alone, and suffering from unimaginable grief. And all he gets from his friends is accusations of his guilt.

Zophar takes the rhetoric to a whole new level, accusing Job of being deceitful, evil, and witless.

“Surely he [God] recognizes deceitful men; and when he sees evil, does he not take note? But a witless man can no more become wise than a wild donkey’s colt can be born a man.” – Job 11:11-12 NIV

In Zophar’s mind, Job is nothing more than a dimwitted, stubborn sinner who refuses to admit his guilt. In Zophar’s world, all pain and suffering were tied to sin. Righteous men don’t suffer. Good men don’t lose all their worldly wealth. Sinless men don’t have all their kids killed in a single freak accident. Therefore, Job was NOT a righteous man. Case closed.

But once again, Zophar didn’t have all the facts. He was operating off of conjecture and faulty conclusions. The one thing he should have known or at least assumed is that God is in control. But the issue was not whether God had caused what had happened to Job; it was that God was aware and that He cared. Zophar would have been much more helpful if he had simply reminded Job that only God knew the real reason behind his suffering. He should have counseled Job to take his situation to God because only He could provide answers and assistance. The simple truth is that if Job had sinned, God would reveal it to him. If Job was innocent, God would ultimately disclose the reason behind his suffering. Bottom line? There was a purpose behind it all, and God was the key to discovering that purpose.

But instead, Zophar continued to berate and belittle his friend, accusing him of mocking God with his false claims of innocence. Zophar was completely convinced that Job was an unabashed liar who refused to acknowledge his obvious guilt. And he is so self-assured in his assessment that he has the audacity to tell Job, “Listen! God is doubtless punishing you far less than you deserve!” (Job 11:6 NLT). His analysis of the situation has produced an iron-clad guilty verdict.

Zophar had reached what to him was a logical conclusion. God was all-wise and could see into the lives of all men. There was nothing hidden from His sight. While Job’s life had given the outward appearance of righteousness, it must have contained hidden secrets of which only God was aware. Now God was exposing Job’s sins by inflicting judgment.

“If God comes and puts a person in prison
    or calls the court to order, who can stop him?
11 For he knows those who are false,
    and he takes note of all their sins.” – Job 11:10-11 NLT

Convinced that his conclusion was the right one, all Zophar could recommend was repentance.

“If only you would prepare your heart
    and lift up your hands to him in prayer!
Get rid of your sins,
    and leave all iniquity behind you.” – Job 11:13 NLT

But Zophar couldn’t see into Job’s heart. He had no way of knowing what Job had done or said that might have led to his fall from grace. In fact, he had no proof whatsoever that Job had done anything worthy of God’s judgment. Yet, on nothing more than flimsy facts and faulty conclusions, he labeled his friend as a babbler and an empty-headed person. When Job needed love, Zophar delivered demeaning labels and callous calls to repent or suffer further judgment from the hand of God.

But despite all his pain, Job knew that God was there. He called out to Him. He appealed to Him. He acknowledged that God had created him (Job 10:8-9). But Job was confused. He clung to his innocence but was having a hard time understanding why he was having to endure all this pain. He was going through a terrible time of questioning and doubt. He needed comfort and all he got was caustic counseling from those who claimed to be his friends. He needed empathy but all he got was impatient demands that he confess his hidden sins.

Job’s suffering was so intense that he longed for death. At this point in his life, he needed friends who would point him to the mercy, grace, and sovereign power of God. He needed guides to God, not the grand inquisition. He needed to be reminded that God loves him, not loathes him. The only remedy for anyone’s pain and heartache is God. We need to point them to Him.

When darkness falls
Temptations call
And all around me seems undone
You hear my pleas
Supply my needs
And tell me of Your wondrous love

You are the joy in my morning
You’re my song of praise
Just like the new day dawning
Flooding my world with grace

Though trials come
And every one
Can take me further from Your truth
You calm my fears
Dry all my tears
And draw me closer, Lord, to You

In You there’s no shadow of turning
Constant in all Your ways
You’re growing my faith
And I’m learning to lean
On You all of my days

© 2008 Sovereign Grace Ministries

Reading the words of Zophar reminds me that I need to be a friend who points others to God, instead of always trying to point out their faults or their sins. He alone knows their hearts, and only He can diagnose their condition and heal their hurts. I am simply a guide who can point them to God as they wander in the darkness of their circumstance.

The other lesson to be learned from this passage is to take my pain and suffering to God. In the midst of the pain that enters my own life, I should always turn to Him first. And when I find that difficult to do, I pray that God will bring friends into my life who will remind me of His love, grace, and mercy.

English Standard Version (ESV) The Holy Bible, English Standard Version. ESV® Permanent Text Edition® (2016). Copyright © 2001

New Living Translation (NLT) Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

With Friends Like These…

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1 “Has not man a hard service on earth,
    and are not his days like the days of a hired hand?
2 Like a slave who longs for the shadow,
    and like a hired hand who looks for his wages,
3 so I am allotted months of emptiness,
    and nights of misery are apportioned to me.
4 When I lie down I say, ‘When shall I arise?’
    But the night is long,
    and I am full of tossing till the dawn.
5 My flesh is clothed with worms and dirt;
    my skin hardens, then breaks out afresh.
6 My days are swifter than a weaver’s shuttle
    and come to their end without hope.

7 “Remember that my life is a breath;
    my eye will never again see good.
8 The eye of him who sees me will behold me no more;
    while your eyes are on me, I shall be gone.
9 As the cloud fades and vanishes,
    so he who goes down to Sheol does not come up;
10 he returns no more to his house,
    nor does his place know him anymore.

11 “Therefore I will not restrain my mouth;
    I will speak in the anguish of my spirit;
    I will complain in the bitterness of my soul.
12 Am I the sea, or a sea monster,
    that you set a guard over me?
13 When I say, ‘My bed will comfort me,
    my couch will ease my complaint,’
14 then you scare me with dreams
    and terrify me with visions,
15 so that I would choose strangling
    and death rather than my bones.
16 I loathe my life; I would not live forever.
    Leave me alone, for my days are a breath.
17 What is man, that you make so much of him,
    and that you set your heart on him,
18 visit him every morning
    and test him every moment?
19 How long will you not look away from me,
    nor leave me alone till I swallow my spit?
20 If I sin, what do I do to you, you watcher of mankind?
    Why have you made me your mark?
    Why have I become a burden to you?
21 Why do you not pardon my transgression
    and take away my iniquity?
For now I shall lie in the earth;
    you will seek me, but I shall not be.” – Job 7:1-21 ESV

Job pulls out all the stops, unleashing a torrent of pain-induced questions mixed with a heavy dose of invectives against his so-called friend, Eliphaz. He has had enough of listening to pious-sounding advice that only intensifies his misery while raising more questions than answers.

Job’s statements recorded in this section contain direct attacks on Eliphaz as well as more veiled questions aimed at God. It is partly a self-defense and a soliloquy. Job seems to be letting his inner thoughts pour out with no attempt to manage their intensity or worry about the impact they may have on the hearer. He can no longer constrain his growing frustration and allows a barrage of pent-up anger to flow from his lips unabated.

But even considering his circumstances, Job’s words are shocking to the ears. As followers of God, we can’t help but question the propriety of his unfiltered and ungodly-sounding speech. Can he say the things he is saying? Is it okay for someone to talk like that, especially to God? It all sounds so unfaithful. The degree of his pessimism appears to be off the charts. Where’s his faith? Just listen to his words:

“I hate this life! Who needs any more of this? Let me alone! There’s nothing to my life – it’s nothing but smoke.” – Job 7:16 MSG

A believer isn’t supposed to think like this, let alone talk like this, is he? Just listen to the way he addresses God.

“Let up on me, will you? Can’t you even let me spit in peace?” – Job 7:19 MSG

How can he get away with that? Shouldn’t we say something? Shouldn’t I quote a verse to him? Doesn’t he need a good dose of Romans 8:28?

And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

Or how about 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18? That’s a good one. “Always be joyful. Keep on praying. No matter what happens, always be thankful, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.” This guy just needs someone to read him the proverbial riot act and tell him to shut up and shape up.

But wait a minute. Before we blow into another person’s despair with our gems of wisdom and some ill-placed and taken-out-of-context Scriptures, let’s try to understand where they’re coming from. Let’s enter into their situation and feel their pain. Let’s share their grief. Let’s get into their shoes and try to experience what they are going through.

Too often, we try to alleviate someone else’s misery because we want it to go away for our sake, not theirs. We want the other person’s pain to go away because it causes us to doubt. It tests our faith. Listen to what Job said about his friends: “They arrive so confident – but what a disappointment! They get there, and their faces fall! And you, my so-called friends, are no better – there’s nothing to you! One look at a hard scene and you shrink in fear” (Job 6:20-21 MSG).

You see, pain is – well, painful. It is hard to watch someone suffer and even more difficult to walk into someone else’s heartache and simply be there for them. We want to fix it. We want to pray them out of their situation. We want to counsel them back into wholeness. And while there’s nothing wrong with prayer or biblically-based counsel, God may simply want us to go through this moment with them to provide love and concern. He may not want us to fix them; He may just want us to care about them.

There is something uncomfortable about Job’s words in this chapter. He is being brutally honest and it assaults our Christian sensibilities. He is saying things that “good” Christians should not say. He is being TOO honest, and it makes us squirm. But in the midst of his pain, Job has lost all his pious inhibitions. He is beyond worrying about what others think about him because he is fighting for his life. Loss has a way of peeling away the layers of pretense and getting us down to the bare reality of life. It causes us to question, and those questions make others uncomfortable.

But why does the pain and suffering of others make us uncomfortable? It’s usually because we don’t have the answers. Of course, those of us who have grown up in the church have the standard Sunday School answers. We know a handful of verses we can apply to a given situation but most of us don’t speak from experience. We have been programmed with the proper responses but our words don’t always reflect a personal point of reference.

Job’s friends had not walked in his sandals. They had never been through what he was experiencing, so they couldn’t relate and it made them uncomfortable. But if any one of them had suffered the kind of losses Job had, they would probably have said less and hugged more. They would have allowed their friend to vent, understanding that it was part of the healing process.

Is there a time to speak up? Certainly. But sometimes it is enough just to show up; to give those who are going through tragedy a chance to express their grief, vent their anger, and ask their questions. God can handle it, so why can’t we? I think it’s because, in the back of our minds, we don’t like to witness the suffering of others because it raises doubts in our own minds. Where is God? Why does He allow good people to go through difficulties? If it can happen to them, what guarantee do I have that the same thing won’t happen to me?

Suffering causes us to doubt. It tests our own belief system. But that’s okay. Part of the reason God placed us within the body of Christ is that we might go through difficulty together. I can learn from the heartache and hurt of others. I can grow from their difficulty – alongside them. Job’s friends could have learned a lot – if they would have only listened.

Job made it clear. He was in pain and he was no longer willing to keep quiet.

“I cannot keep from speaking.
    I must express my anguish.
    My bitter soul must complain.” – Job 7:11 NLT

And while Job’s skin was covered with sores, his mind was filled with questions. He couldn’t understand what was happening to him. He desperately needed to know he was still loved because he felt completely abandoned and alone. And in a desperate attempt to seek solace and comfort from God, he cried out, “Why not just forgive my sin and take away my guilt? For soon I will lie down in the dust and die. When you look for me, I will be gone” (Job 7:21 NLT).

It was at that moment that Job needed his friends to show up and wrap their arms around him. He needed to know he was not alone. He needed to be reminded that his God still loved him. But as we will see, Job’s friends failed to hear what he had to say. Rather than listen and love, they will take turns berating their beaten-down friend and attempting to set themselves up as his spiritual superiors and moral betters. With friends like these, who needs enemies?

English Standard Version (ESV) The Holy Bible, English Standard Version. ESV® Permanent Text Edition® (2016). Copyright © 2001

New Living Translation (NLT) Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

Listen and Learn

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Words of the Wise

17 Incline your ear, and hear the words of the wise,
    and apply your heart to my knowledge,
18 for it will be pleasant if you keep them within you,
    if all of them are ready on your lips.
19 That your trust may be in the Lord,
    I have made them known to you today, even to you.
20 Have I not written for you thirty sayings
    of counsel and knowledge,
21 to make you know what is right and true,
    that you may give a true answer to those who sent you?

22 Do not rob the poor, because he is poor,
    or crush the afflicted at the gate,
23 for the Lord will plead their cause
    and rob of life those who rob them.
24 Make no friendship with a man given to anger,
    nor go with a wrathful man,
25 lest you learn his ways
    and entangle yourself in a snare.
26 Be not one of those who give pledges,
    who put up security for debts.
27 If you have nothing with which to pay,
    why should your bed be taken from under you?
28 Do not move the ancient landmark
    that your fathers have set.
29 Do you see a man skillful in his work?
    He will stand before kings;
    he will not stand before obscure men. – Proverbs 22:17-29 ESV

Verse 17 of chapter 22 begins a new section within the book of Proverbs that extends to chapter 22, verse 34, and contains 36 “sayings of the wise” (Proverbs 24:23a ESV). This collection of proverbial statements covers a wide range of topics and appears to be the work of a group of “wise men” or sages, as the title of this section suggests.

The Sayings of the Wise

The Hebrew word that is translated as “wise” in verse 17 most likely refers to a group of learned men or sages from which Solomon borrowed and adapted this collection of sayings.

“The plur. sages points to the existence of a special class of wise men, who were oral teachers or writers. The utterances of these men formed a distinct body of thought, part of which is preserved in the Book of Proverbs . . .” – Crawford H. Toy,  A Critical and Exegetical Commentary on the Book of Proverbs

Solomon opens this new section with an introduction in which he conveys the purpose for his inclusion of these 30-plus sayings of the wise.

I have written thirty sayings for you,
    filled with advice and knowledge. – Proverbs 22:20 NLT

Solomon is not claiming to be the author of these wise sayings but he is simply stating that he has carefully collected and compiled them for the benefit of his readers. And he reminds them that the application of these truths to their lives will be of great benefit.

For it is good to keep these sayings in your heart
    and always ready on your lips.
I am teaching you today—yes, you—
    so you will trust in the Lord. – Proverbs 22:18-19 NLT

It seems quite evident that Solomon viewed these sayings as far more than the intelligent musings of mere men. No, he saw them as divinely inspired by God. He chose them for their godly wisdom and eternal value. There is some indication that Solomon’s original audience was his own offspring, particularly his sons. Throughout the book of Proverbs, he has repeatedly addressed his words to the male members of his household, calling them to listen and apply the words of wisdom he had collected. And in this section, he continues to focus his attention on his sons, begging them to consider carefully what he is trying to tell them so that they might be equipped with the truth.

Have I not written for you thirty sayings
    of counsel and knowledge,
to make you know what is right and true,
    that you may give a true answer to those who sent you? – Proverbs 22:20-21 ESV

Solomon knew that, as a father, the day would come when he have to kick his sons out of the nest so that they might begin their own lives. And he was fully aware that they would discover the world to be a far less friendly environment than the royal palace in which they were raised. As sons of the king, they had been raised in an atmosphere of comfort and privilege. They were accustomed to all the benefits that great power and wealth can offer. And as heirs of Solomon’s unprecedented fortune, they were each assured of a sizeable inheritance. They would be set for life. So, it is not surprising that the first few wisdom sayings have to do with financial matters. And the very first one deals with the relationship between the haves and the have-nots.

Don’t rob the poor just because you can,
    or exploit the needy in court.
For the Lord is their defender.
    He will ruin anyone who ruins them. – Proverbs 22:22-23 NLT

This has been a common theme in the book of Proverbs and reveals that the interaction between the rich and the poor was a problem in Solomon’s day. The down-and-out were despised by their more affluent neighbors. Poverty was considered to be a curse from God while wealth was viewed as a sign of His blessing. And Proverbs 14:20-21 reveals this viewpoint was not only inaccurate but in direct opposition to the will of God.

The poor is disliked even by his neighbor,
    but the rich has many friends.
Whoever despises his neighbor is a sinner,
    but blessed is he who is generous to the poor.

God has a special place in His heart for the disadvantaged and destitute, and His children were to share His care and concern for them.

Those who mock the poor insult their Maker;
    those who rejoice at the misfortune of others will be punished. – Proverbs 17:5 NLT

If you help the poor, you are lending to the Lord—
    and he will repay you! – Proverbs 19:17 NLT

Solomon wanted his young sons to share God’s concern for the needy and not use their privilege and power as weapons to take advantage of the less fortunate. And sadly, some of Solomon’s own descendants would fail to heed his warnings and cause the people of Israel to line their pockets and pad their portfolios with the possessions of the poor. And God would have some strong words to level against them.

The Lord comes forward to pronounce judgment
    on the elders and rulers of his people:
“You have ruined Israel, my vineyard.
    Your houses are filled with things stolen from the poor.
How dare you crush my people,
    grinding the faces of the poor into the dust?”
    demands the Lord, the Lord of Heaven’s Armies. – Isaiah 3:14-15 NLT

But the temptation to profit off the backs of the poor was not the only thing Solomon’s sons would need to avoid. They were going to need to know how to navigate the dangerous and sometimes deadly waters of relationships. As wealthy members of the community, they would never lack friends. Their influence and affluence would attract all kinds of individuals who coveted a place at their table and access to their wealth. As Proverbs 14:20 states: “the rich have many ‘friends.’”

So, Solomon warns his sons to choose their friends carefully, with special emphasis on those individuals who display anger issues.

Don’t befriend angry people
    or associate with hot-tempered people,
or you will learn to be like them
    and endanger your soul. – Proverbs 22:24-25 NLT

In his letter to the church in Corinth, the apostle Paul quoted a popular proverb of his day: “Bad company ruins good morals” (1 Corinthians 15:33 ESV). This truism is timeless and has proven its veracity over the centuries. Those who associate with angry people tend to become like them. It’s virtually impossible to hang out with immoral people and not become like them. And this is not the first time Solomon has warned his sons to avoid quick-tempered people like the plague.

A hot-tempered person starts fights;
    a cool-tempered person stops them. – Proverbs 15:18 NLT

People with understanding control their anger;
    a hot temper shows great foolishness. – Proverbs 14:29 NLT

Uncontrolled anger is a tell-tale characteristic of a fool, and a man of wisdom should avoid such people at all costs.

Next, Solomon shares a time-tested adage concerning friends and finances. As he has done elsewhere in the book of Proverbs, Solomon warns his sons against putting their financial reputation on the line for someone else.

Don’t agree to guarantee another person’s debt
    or put up security for someone else.
If you can’t pay it,
    even your bed will be snatched from under you. – Proverbs 22:26-27 NLT

All the way back in Proverbs 6, Solomon provided his sons with some strong words concerning the danger of co-signing on a loan for someone else.

My child, if you have put up security for a friend’s debt
    or agreed to guarantee the debt of a stranger—
if you have trapped yourself by your agreement
    and are caught by what you said—
follow my advice and save yourself,
    for you have placed yourself at your friend’s mercy.
Now swallow your pride;
    go and beg to have your name erased.
Don’t put it off; do it now!
    Don’t rest until you do. – Proverbs 6:1-4 NLT

It’s not difficult to sense Solomon’s strong feelings on this topic, and it’s likely that he had firsthand experience. He had probably learned the painful lesson that comes with putting your money and your reputation on the line for someone else’s behalf. Guaranteeing the loan of another person leaves you open to substantial loss – not just financially, but also relationally. Money can become a great source of division between friends. So, Solomon warns his sons to be wary. Their financial resources would make them easy prey. But just because they had the capacity to secure a friend’s debt didn’t mean they should.

Next, Solomon deals with the need for his sons to engage in ethical business practices. Once again, their wealth would provide them with influence and power and they would constantly be tempted to use both to get what they wanted. Money can make things happen, and Solomon knew that his sons would always face the temptation to use their resources unethically.

Don’t cheat your neighbor by moving the ancient boundary markers
    set up by previous generations. – Proverbs 22:28 NLT

Boundary markers were large stones that were used to delineate property rights. The picture that Solomon paints is of someone using their money to have those stones incrementally moved so that, over time, their property was enlarged. It was a subtle and sinister manipulation of the system to gain an unfair advantage over someone else. It was immoral, unethical, and unacceptable to God.

Cursed is anyone who steals property from a neighbor by moving a boundary marker. – Deuteronomy 27:17 NLT

Finally, Solomon encourages his sons to foster a habit of hard work. They were not to allow their affluence to produce an attitude of entitlement that manifested itself in laziness.

Do you see any truly competent workers?
    They will serve kings
    rather than working for ordinary people. – Proverbs 22:29 NLT

Those who are diligent are the ones who deserve recognition and reward, not the lazy and incompetent. The hardworking will end up garnering the attention of the powerful and influential. Solomon wanted his sons to be men of integrity and honor. He desired that they would be hardworking and reliable, rather than resting on their social standing and financial status. Solomon knew that affluence could be a curse as much as a blessing. Without the presence of wisdom, even privilege could become a real problem. So, Solomon provides his sons with a lengthy list of helpful and time-tested truths to guide their lives for years to come.

English Standard Version (ESV) The Holy Bible, English Standard Version. ESV® Permanent Text Edition® (2016). Copyright © 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers.

New Living Translation (NLT) Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

New English Translation (NET)NET Bible® copyright ©1996-2017 by Biblical Studies Press, L.L.C. http://netbible.com All rights reserved.

A Friend Indeed.

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Asahel the brother of Joab was one of the thirty; Elhanan the son of Dodo of Bethlehem, Shammah of Harod, Elika of Harod, Helez the Paltite, Ira the son of Ikkesh of Tekoa, Abiezer of Anathoth, Mebunnai the Hushathite, Zalmon the Ahohite, Maharai of Netophah, Heleb the son of Baanah of Netophah, Ittai the son of Ribai of Gibeah of the people of Benjamin, Benaiah of Pirathon, Hiddai of the brooks of Gaash, Abi-albon the Arbathite, Azmaveth of Bahurim, Eliahba the Shaalbonite, the sons of Jashen, Jonathan, Shammah the Hararite, Ahiam the son of Sharar the Hararite, Eliphelet the son of Ahasbai of Maacah, Eliam the son of Ahithophel the Gilonite, Hezro of Carmel, Paarai the Arbite, Igal the son of Nathan of Zobah, Bani the Gadite, Zelek the Ammonite, Naharai of Beeroth, the armor-bearer of Joab the son of Zeruiah, Ira the Ithrite, Gareb the Ithrite, Uriah the Hittite: thirty-seven in all. – 2 Samuel 23:24-39 ESV

Chapter 23 closes with a list of 37 men. Several things should jump out at us. First of all is the inclusion of the name of Uriah the Hittite, the man David had exposed to enemy fire on the front lines in order that he might be killed and so that David could take his wife, Bathsheba, as his own. And all of this had been done to cover up David’s affair with her and the pregnancy that had resulted from it. While Uriah had been killed early on in David’s reign, he is recognized here at the end of David’s life as one of “the Thirty.” We don’t know exactly what that title entails and what the responsibilities were for each of these men, but we do know that they were considered men of distinction. Even David had to admit that Uriah, though long dead, was a man of integrity, having refused to give in to David’s attempts to get him to sleep with his wife while his fellow soldiers were battling the enemy. Uriah had turned down David’s counsel to enjoy the comforts of home, instead choosing to sleep at the doorstep of the king’s palace. And he willingly returned to the front lines, unknowingly carrying his own death certificate, in the form of a letter from David to Joab, commanding that Uriah be exposed to deadly enemy fire on the front lines and left to die.

Another thing that should jump out at you is the variety of the men in this list. Some were Israelites. Others were not. You have groups listed like the Paltites, Hushathites, Ahohites, Arbathites, Shaalbonites, Hararites, Gilonites, Arbites, Gadites, Ammonites, Ithrites, and Hittites. We don’t much about many of these people groups, but it reveals the ethnic diversity of David’s mighty men. David’s kingdom and his army were multicultural. These men loved and supported David. They were willing to sacrifice their lives for him, if necessary. We are not given any specifics regarding the actions of these men or how they had come to be included in “the Thirty”, but they were special to David. They had proved faithful to him over the years. No doubt there were some, like Uriah, who gave their lives for David. Others fought for him or gave him counsel and advice. They had diverse backgrounds and different duties, but they all shared a common bond with David.

Conspicuously absent from the list is Joab, the long-time commander of David’s armies and the man who had stood beside him all the years of his life. Joab had disobeyed David and killed Absalom, David’s son. He had also killed Abner and Amasa, against the wishes of David. So he is not included in David’s inner circle. But his armor bearer is.

An important character quality of a true friend is that of loyalty. These men had proven themselves loyal and dedicated to David. Joab had as well, but he had also shown himself to be blunt and brutally honest with David. He loved him enough to call him out. When David was stuck in a state of perpetual mourning over the death of Absalom, it had been Joab who called him out and demanded that he act like a king or face the loss of his kingdom. David needed to hear what Joab had to say. It seems that there were times when Joab did what David was either afraid or reluctant to do. That too, is an important character quality of a true friend. Someone who always agrees with you or overlooks your faults and sins, is not someone who loves you. Solomon, the son of David, would record the following sayings in his book of Proverbs:

Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy. – Proverbs 27:6 NLT

In the end, people appreciate honest criticism far more than flattery. – Proverbs 28:23 NLT

The truth is, we all need someone like Joab in our life. It’s always great to be surrounded by those who look up to you and who are willing to do whatever it takes to make you successful. But sometimes we just need one individual who is willing to say the hard things and to hold us to a higher standard. Joab and David didn’t always get along. They didn’t always agree. But Joab had proven himself faithful to David, time and time again. And he loved David too much to watch him do nothing, risking his kingdom by losing the respect of his people.

David had no shortage of faithful followers, brave companions and dedicated servants. But there were times when he could have used a few more men like Joab in his life. What kind of friend are you? Are you steadfast and faithful, always there when your friends need you? Are you willing to risk losing a friend by speaking up and calling them out over their sins? Joab was far from perfect. He had his own struggles with anger, impulsiveness and seeking revenge. But he loved David greatly. So much so that he was willing to risk David’s wrath by standing up to David when he knew that David was wrong. A godly leader who has followers is fortunate, but a godly leader who has faithful and honest friends is blessed.

English Standard Version (ESV)
The Holy Bible, English Standard Version. ESV® Permanent Text Edition® (2016). Copyright © 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers.

New Living Translation (NLT)
Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

The Message (MSG)Copyright © 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002 by Eugene H. Peterson

Proverbs 19d

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Father Versus Friend.

“Discipline your children while there is hope. Otherwise you will ruin their lives.” – Proverbs 19:18 NLT

As the father of six children, I know a fair amount about raising kids. Notice I didn’t say I knew a lot about raising kids WELL. In thirty-plus years of parenting, I have made my fair share of mistakes, and I continue to make them. But one of the most significant battles I have faced as a father is the temptation to try and be my children’s best friend, rather than their father. Here’s how it looks. Any time I have let slide some less-than-acceptable behavior because I didn’t want to run the risk of making them mad at me, I have traded in being a father for being a friend. When I have refused to punish their actions because I wanted to avoid the confrontation, I have made friendship more important than fatherhood. And every time I have made being a friend to my kids the driving factor in our relationship, I have done them a disservice. My kids don’t need me to be their best buddy, they need me to be their dad. And sometimes that role requires me to discipline and train them. Turning a blind eye to their behavior is not love, it’s a form of child abuse. When I do it, I am allowing them to act in such a way that is unacceptable and potentially harmful to their future. The Proverbs call us to discipline our children while there is still hope. In other words, there is a window of opportunity in which we can instill into our kids the kind of discipline that will ultimately manifest itself in self-discipline. We are called to teach and train them. We are commanded to encourage them and, at times, admonish them. The desire to have them like me is a dangerous one. It seems so worthwhile and right. But how many times have we sacrificed their future well-being because we refused to teach them the consequences of their actions? That kind of parenting can ruin their lives. It makes them selfish and self-centered. It teaches them that the world revolves around them. It encourages them to become self-focused children who grow up to become self-absorbed, narcissistic adults.

Coddling and caving into our kids now will only ruin them later. We are called to be their parents, not their best friends. That doesn’t mean we don’t have to worry about whether our children like us or not. But it does mean that we may have to run the risk of making them angry at times in order to help make them godly. Giving in to their every whim is not good for them, but simply bad parenting. Over the years, I have often found myself refusing to discipline my children just because I didn’t want to be unpopular. I have stayed quiet when I should have spoken up. I have looked the other way when I have should have pointed out what I saw. I have avoided when I should have confronted. Parenting is a long-term commitment. If we focus on short-term gains, not only will we lose, so will our children. We need to view what we do as an investment that pays future dividends, not a quick-fix remedy that makes our kids happy for the moment. When we parent that way we aren’t doing our kids any favors. While our children may not appreciate our discipline now, a day is coming when they will look back and recognize our efforts with gratitude not regret.

Father, help me be faithful to remain firm in my role as the disciplinarian of my kids. Don’t let me sacrifice the long-term goals for short-term gains. But also make sure I always discipline in love, not anger. Amen.

Ken Miller

Grow Pastor & Minister to Men
kenm@christchapelbc.org

Proverbs 17d

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A Friend In Need Is A Friend Indeed.

“A friend is always loyal, and a brother is born to help in time of need.” – Proverbs 17:17 NLT

My first reaction when reading the verse above is to say, “Really?” I can’t help but be a bit doubtful about the veracity of this statement based on my own experience with my own friends. I haven’t always found my friends to be loyal or my brothers to be there when I needed them. So what’s the problem? What am I missing here? I think Solomon is talking about “true” friendship and brotherhood. In other words, he is describing these relationships as God designed them to be. Both were His idea, not ours. He came up with the concept of a friend and He established the parameters under which that relationships should function – in an ideal world – a world free from sin. In that kind of world a friend WOULD always be loyal and a brother WOULD always be there in time of need. Of course, in a world free from sin, there wouldn’t be any need. But the point is that God has a high view of both friendship and brotherhood. He has not lowered His expectations due to the fall. He still expects us to be the kind of friends who remain loyal, through thick and thin. He still expects us to be the kind of brother who shows up when needed, regardless of the time or the inconvenience.

Paul describes the kind of love this requires. “Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance” (1 Corinthians 13:7 NLT). Solomon tells us, “Love prospers when a fault is forgiven, but dwelling on it separates close friends” (Proverbs 17:9 NLT). Love seems to be the key. The kind of love that Paul describes all throughout chapter 13 of the book of 1st Corinthians. It is agape love, that sacrificial, lay-it-all-on-the-line kind of love that Jesus modeled for us. It is the kind of love that expects nothing in return, that doesn’t demand reciprocal demonstrations of love. A true friend is loyal even in the face of disloyalty. A true brother continues to help even when he finds himself alone in his own time of need. The motivation is love, not payback. The model is Christ. He loved us when we refused to love Him back. He continues to be the consummate example of a friend, remaining loyal to us even when we are painfully disloyal to Him. He is the ideal example of a brother, remaining faithful to us in our times of need, regardless of our faithfulness to Him.

We live in difficult times, surrounded by adversity and constantly finding ourselves in need. God has designed friendship and brotherhood as means to provide help, hope, comfort and encouragement. He has placed us in the family of God and made us brothers and sisters in order that we might exhibit His love to one another through tangible acts of kindness, care, and encouragement. Our ability to be loyal and our capacity to meet needs is from God. He has equipped us and expects us to be true friends and brothers. Our greatest witness of the presence and power of God is to do just that.

Father, show me how to be a true friend and the kind of brother who is there in time of need. Continue to remove my tendency toward selfishness and self-centeredness. Forgive me of the what’s-in-it-for-me mentality that pervades my thinking. Let me see Your Son as the model and follow His lead. May I listen to Your Spirit more and less to my flesh. Amen.

Ken Miller

Grow Pastor & Minister to Men
kenm@christchapelbc.org

Proverbs 19b

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The Fake Vs. The Faithful Friend.

“Loyalty makes a person attractive. It is better to be poor than dishonest.” – Proverbs 19:22 NLT

Nobody likes fakes friends. You know the kind. They smile and act as if they’re your best friend, but when your back is turned, they turn on you. They desert you. They prove to be disingenuous to you. But the very next time you see them, they act as if nothing has happened and all is well. They’re fake and can be highly frustrating. Sometimes people can pretend to like us for what we own, less than for who we are. They like our “toys” and so they will tolerate us in order to have access to them. Solomon warns us about this kind of “friend.” He says, “wealth makes many ‘friends’; poverty drives them all away” (Proverbs 19:4 NLT). In other words, these are fair-weather friends who like us as long as we have something they want. Once that something goes away, so do they. Their friendship was just a facade to facilitate their own selfish desires. Sometimes what others want from us is our influence. They see us as a person of importance and so they come alongside us, offering to be our friend just so that they might have access to our circle of influence. Solomon warns us about these kinds of friends as well: “Many seek favors from a ruler; everyone is the friend of a person who gives gifts” (Proverbs 19:6 NLT). A powerful person can mistakenly believe that everyone beating a path to his door is truly interested in being his friend, when what they really want is not a relationship, but a favor. Everyone loves a generous person. Everyone is willing to put up with even the most obnoxious person as long as he gives them gifts. But these people are not true friends.
All of this reveals the sin that lurks in the heart of everyone of us. We can easily turn friendship into a self-centered pursuit that is all about us with little regard for the other person in the relationship. Think about how many friendships dissolve because the other person failed to meet our expectations, let us down, or were easily replaced by someone more popular, attractive, or beneficial to us in some way. Yet that is not the kind of friendship we are called to by God. Loyalty is important to Him. He doesn’t want us to use one another and selfishly manipulate our relationships just to get the most out of them. Loyalty and love go hand in hand. Loyalty is an expression of love. Loyalty is what makes a person truly attractive as a friend (Proverbs 19:22). The faithful, unfailing friend is the one we will look for in the end. When all the fake friends have long deserted us, a faithful friend will still be there, waiting to reestablish the relationship we once had with them. Fake friends are fickle friends. Faithful friends are steadfast and true. What kind of a friend are you? Do you choose your friends based on what you are going to get out of the relationship? Is your motivation self-serving or selfless? Can you count the number of poor friends you have on one hand?
Solomon reminds us, “There are ‘friends’ who destroy each other, but a real friend sticks closer than a brother” (Proverbs 18:24 NLT). Again, what kind of a friend are you?

Father, make me a faithful, not a fake, friend. I want to be honest, not disingenuous. I want to be real in my relationships. Forgive me for using people for my own selfish interests. Give me a heart like You have. Help me to give my life away, expecting nothing in return. Don’t let me measure my friendships based on what I can get out of them, but instead, by what I can give. Amen.

Ken Miller

Grow Pastor & Minister to Men
kenm@christchapelbc.org

Proverbs 17c

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Conflict Resolution.

“Love prospers when a fault is forgiven, but dwelling on it separates close friends.” – Proverbs 17:9 NLT

We’ve all seen it happen. Perhaps we’ve even had it happen to us. A close friendship dissolved over an unresolved issue. A disagreement that never was dealt with properly and which resulted in alienation, accusation, and acrimony. It happens to friendships and even the relationships between parents and children, brothers and sisters, and even Christ-followers. Many times these conflicts start with something fairly insignificant and small, but when left unresolved, they fester and grow, like an untreated wound. What began as a small things becomes a big thing because proper steps weren’t taken to begin with. A hurtful word or a painful action causes a crack to develop in a relationship. And when it is not addressed in a godly and timely manner, the enemy takes advantage of the situation and begins to pry and press on that crack in an effort to widen and worsen it. Jesus told us that the enemy comes “to steal, kill and destroy” (John 10:10). He wants to destroy our relationships, kill our friendships, and steal the benefits available to us through community. Satan hates love. It’s that simple. Yet Solomon reminds us that “love prospers when a fault is forgiven” (Proverbs 17:9 NLT). God is love and He desires that we live lives of love for Him and others. But it is impossible to love when we refuse to forgive. We are incapable of love if we demand our rights and hold on to all the bad things done to us. Our harboring of anger, resentment and bitterness to the other person does little to change or convict them, but it can end up destroying us – from the inside out. It produces a toxic blend of bitterness, anger, and resentment that becomes like a cancer in our system, eating us away internally and destroying us spiritually. Paul tells us, “Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you” (Ephesians 4:31-32 NLT). We are to forgive in the same way we have been forgiven by God. No qualifications. No conditions. No grading on the curve. Just forgive. Is forgiving hard to do? You bet. Especially when someone refuses to admit that they were wrong or that they even hurt us. And even harder than forgiving is forgetting. We may feel like we’ve forgiven that person, but then the next time we see them we are reminded once again of all that they did to us. The memories resurface and the resentment bubbles to the surface once again. It’s normal and natural. But that’s when we need to turn it over to the Lord and ask for His help. Letting go of a wrong done to us is difficult, but no impossible. God would not have commanded us to forgive one another if was impossible. He has provided us with all the power we need to obey through the indwelling presence of His Holy Spirit. But we have to acknowledge our need for help and request His assistance. We have to confess our own anger, bitterness and unforgiving spirit and ask the Holy Spirit for the strength we need to give up and let go – whether the other party ever confesses their wrong or asks for our forgiveness. “Love prospers when a fault is forgiven” (Proverbs 17:9 NLT). It grows within us. It produces life instead of death. It thwarts the enemy’s attempts to drive a wedge between us and others. It reminds us of how much we have been forgiven by God. Life is too short to spend it bitter, angry, and resentful. Listen to these words from The Message paraphrase of 1 Corinthians 13.

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

Father, it is so easy to hold a grudge. It is so easy to get hurt and grow bitter by what others say or do to us. But You have called us to love. You have commanded us to forgive. And You have modeled it perfectly through the life of Your Son, Jesus Christ. Help me learn to let go of my grudges more quickly, forgive more readily, and love more willingly. Amen.

Ken Miller

Grow Pastor & Minister to Men
kenm@christchapelbc.org