husbands love your wives

Her Holiness vs Your Happiness.

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Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. – Ephesians 5:25-33 ESV

Wives are to submit to their husbands. Not exactly a popular topic among most women today. It sounds so archaic. It comes across as demeaning and dismissive of women. But we must remember that this entire section of Paul’s letter was calling all believers to submit to one another out of reverence to Christ. His reference to wives and husbands was simply a practical application of what that would like in real life. But the one thing we miss in this whole discussion of submission is the inter-relatedness of it that God intends. In God’s divine plan, submission was not intended to be a one-way affair. Yes, wives were expected to submit to their husbands, but notice that Paul calls husbands to love their wives. And here is the important distinction: As Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. There is an inferred expectation of sacrifice and selflessness involved in the kind of love Paul is describing. It is other-oriented. It is a love that suppresses its own rights and desires for the well-being of another. But, interestingly enough, Paul goes on to describe this kind of love as a form of self-love, because “husbands should love their wives as their own bodies” (Ephesians 5:28 ESV). For the husband, there is no me versus her. In God’s eyes, his very existence is permanently is linked to that of his wife. That is why Jesus taught, “‘God made them male and female’ from the beginning of creation. ‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together” (Mark 10:6-9 NLT).

The husband is to give to his wife the same value that he gives to his own life. She is a part of him. He is to love her as he loves his own body. He is to nourish and cherish her – in the same way that Christ does the church. Christ not only sacrificed His life for the church, He constantly intercedes on Her behalf. Even now, His full attention is focused on the church. Paul tells us, “Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us” (Romans 8:34 NLT). Paul then goes on to ask, “Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love?” (Romans 8:35 NLT). And the answer is meant to be a resounding, “No!” And in the same way, there is nothing that should be able to separate the love of a husband for his wife. Nothing she says or does should cause him to fall out of love with her. Now that is a tall order and a high expectation. Not only that, but the husband is to make it his goal in life to sanctify his wife – sometimes in spite of her and without her full cooperation. Even when she refuses to submit to him, he is to sanctify her.

But what does Paul mean when he calls husbands to sanctify their wives? Isn’t that the job of the Spirit of God? Paul is using Christ’s love for the church as an illustration of the kind of love men are to have for the wives. Christ gave Himself up for the church. He died so that the church might be sanctified, set apart and made holy. Earlier in his letter, Paul wrote that God “blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him” (Ephesians 1:3-4 ESV). God’s desire was our holiness. Jesus made that possible by His sacrificial death. So as husbands, our goal should be the holiness of our wives. God has appointed us as husbands so that we might help fulfill His desire that our wives be holy, set apart of Him.

Paul says that Christ cleansed the church by the washing of water with the word. The word refers to the gospel, the good news about salvation through faith in Jesus Christ. Every believer who places their faith in Christ based on the gospel message, is washed clean from their sins. Water baptism is a statement of that reality as the believer is lowered into the water and symbolically “cleansed” from their sins. The emphasis in verses 26 is sanctification. It is not a command for men to read the Word over their wives as if in doing so they somehow cleanse their wives. Jesus’ death on the cross is what provided their cleansing from sin. The point Paul seems to be making is that Jesus gave Himself up “so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish” (Ephesians 5:27 ESV). In the same way, the husband is to choose give himself up for the spiritual edification of his wife. Her holiness is to be his highest priority. He should want for her life what Jesus Himself gave Himself to make possible.

Submission is difficult. Our natural inclination is to refuse any thought of submitting ourselves to another. Loving like Christ loved is a formidable task, and goes against our natural disposition toward self-centeredness and self-preservation. But we have to remember that Paul is calling us to “walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called” (Ephesians 4:1 ESV). He is calling us to “put off your old self…and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness” (Ephesians 4:22,24 ESV). He is commanding us to “walk in love, as Christ loved us” (Ephesians 5:2 ESV), as children of light (Ephesians 5:8). Marriage is one of the primary venues God has chosen for all of this to take place. And it is intended by God to be a constant illustration of Christ and His love relationship with the church. His sacrificial love and the church’s obedient submission, working in unison to accomplish God’s will. So Paul writes, “let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband” (Ephesians 5:22 ESV). For our good and God’s glory, and as a living testimony of our calling as children of God.

 

Ephesians 5:21-6:9

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Redeemed Relationships.

Ephesians 5:21-6:9

And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. – Ephesians 5:21 NLT

Our relationship with Jesus Christ should change everything – especially our relationships with others. Saving faith is practical and applicable. It should make a difference in the way we relate to and interact with others in our lives. Paul uses the term “submit,” which was typically used in a military context. It referred to the attitude of a soldier who was expected to have  “a voluntary attitude of giving in, cooperating, assuming responsibility, and carrying a burden.” It carried with it the sense of being part of a larger whole, and serving within a unit that shared a common cause and answered to a higher authority. So Paul tells us to “submit to one another.” Notice that this is a command to any and all within the body of Christ. Too often we skip this verse and go right to the next verse where wives are told to submit to their husbands. This verse has caused much confusion, anger and anxiety over the years, especially within the minds of modern Christians. Many women find the idea of submission as antiquated and outdated. Some find it outright demeaning. But to understand what Paul is saying, we must keep all of the verses within their context. Paul is calling ALL believers to submit and he gives various examples of what that submission will look like for each of them.

Remember, Paul has just finished talking about being filled or controlled by the Spirit. Now he provides us with submission as a result of that filling. When we are living under the influence of the Spirit, we will submit to one another as to the Lord. Paul is going to deal with three pairs of people: husbands and wives, children and parents, and slaves and masters. The primary subject when talking about each is submission, made possible by the filling of the Spirit. It is critical to understand that each example is an illustration of submission. Women are told to submit to their husbands. This is not a command to subservience and is not meant to communicate that women have a lesser value or worth. It reflects a Spirit-empowered willingness on the part of wives to serve their husbands as they would Jesus Christ. This is not a call to passivity or a command to become a doormat. It is a call to Christ-like servanthood and submission. The key phrase here is “as to the Lord.” That theme runs throughout these verses. God has established an order and a structure to the family. He has made the husband the head of the home, just as Christ is the head of the church. Headship comes with authority, but also responsibility. The husband will answer to God for how he lead and cared for his family, including his wife. When a wife submits to her husband, she is simply coming under God’s ordained structure for the home. The wife’s ability to submit is directly tied to the next verses that deal with the husband’s responsibility to love. Paul tells husbands that for them, submission takes the form of selfless, sacrificial love. They are to love their wives as Christ loved the church. Christ gave His life for the church. He placed the needs of the body of Christ above His own. He loved the church so much that He was willing to die for it. And that is the degree to which husbands are to “submit” to their wives. They are to love them so much that they are willing to sacrifice everything for their holiness. The kind of love husbands are called to express toward their wives was not to be based on her performance or merit, but was an unconditional acceptance based on her intrinsic worth as God’s gift to her husband. That kind of love will create an atmosphere where willing submission is easy.

Paul now turns his attention to parents and children. Children are commanded to obey and honor their parents. Again, this is an illustration of Spirit-empowered submission within the home. And it’s important to recognize that Paul tells children that their obedience stems from their relationship to the Lord. All of these relationships are to be God-centered and Spirit-filled. But there’s a second half to this equation. Fathers, as the head of the home, are commanded not to exasperate and frustrate their children by unloving and inconsistent parenting. Lack of loving leadership on the part of the father and an absence of structure and protective rules can end up causing children to become angry and, ultimately, rebellious. Love masquerading as license and leniency, can be damaging and destructive. Fathers are to provide an environment that is loving and disciplined, creating an atmosphere where obedience and honor come naturally.

Finally, Paul takes on a somewhat awkward topic of slave and masters. As modern-day Christians, we find this discussion distasteful and outdated. After all, we live in a nation that outlawed slavery a long time ago. But in Paul’s day it was alive and well. In fact, the local churches typically had members who were slaves, and oftentimes they attended the same church their masters did. Becoming a believer did not set slaves free from slavery. It did not change their circumstance, but it did radically alter the way in which they were to relate within that circumstance. Because of the indwelling presence of the Holy Spirit, slaves were expected to do their jobs differently. They were expected to relate to their masters differently. They were to obey with “deep respect and fear.” And they were to do it as they would serve Christ. Their subservience was now to become willing submission, performed for the Lord, not for their earthly masters. Their work ethic was to be motivated by their love for the Lord. They were still slaves, but they were slaves who had been changed by Christ and had a new capacity to love – even within the context of their slavery. And those masters who happened to be believers, were to treat their slaves with dignity and respect, knowing that they would be held accountable for their actions to God some day. Paul makes a significant statement regarding God’s view of slaves and masters. He says, “remember, you both have the same Master in heaven, and he has no favorites” (Ephesians 6:9 NLT). God doesn’t see as man sees. While He has ordained there to be order, structure and degrees of authority in the world, He sees all men as equal. He sees husbands and wives as equal. He sees parents and children as equal. And He sees slaves and masters as equal. The key issue is how His Spirit can radically change those relationships and give them a new capacity to interact and interrelate in such as way that He is honored. Spirit-filled, Spirit-controlled believers bring a whole new meaning to their relationships. They view their roles and responsibilities differently. They see their positions as opportunities to serve others and honor God. They do their work as unto the Lord. They serve others as they would serve Christ. They submit to others as they would submit to Him. They love as He would love. They obey as if He were the one giving the command. Living under the influence of the Spirit is a life-changing, relationship-altering experience.

Father, may we learn to live under the influence of the Spirit more and more. We can’t always change our circumstances, but we can change the way we relate in the midst of them. Our marriages need to be Spirit-controlled. Our homes need to be Spirit-filled. Our work relationships need to be Spirit-empowered. Show us how to make our faith practical and applicable to each and every one of our relationships. Amen.

Ken Miller
Grow Pastor & Minister to Men
kenm@christchapelbc.org

Colossians 3:18-25

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Practical Piety.

Colossians 3:18-25

And whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through him to God the Father. – Colossians 3:17 NLT

So far in this chapter, Paul has reminded us that God has chosen us to live as holy people, set apart and distinctively different than the world around us. We are to live lives that exhibit tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. We are to make allowance for one another’s faults. We are to forgive when others offend us, just as the Lord has forgiven us. We are to clothe ourselves with love, seek to live in harmony and peace, and allow the message of Jesus’ life-changing power fill our lives and impact our relationships with others.

Now he gets practical and personal. He gives us concrete examples of what this kind of life looks like in the everyday world. Wives are to submit to he Lord. This is always a controversial and somewhat unpopular topic among Christians. In our modern-day context it sounds archaic and antiquated. It comes across as someone who is out of touch with reality. But before we get too bent out of shape, it might help to take a look at another one of Paul’s letters where he addresses this same issue. “And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord” (Ephesians 5:21-22 NLT). Notice that Paul puts his statement within the context of mutual submission within the body of Christ, and under the headship of Christ. So when he tells wives to submit to their husbands, the issue is headship and God-given authority, not a matter of value or worth. The submission he is calling wives to is the same kind Jesus exhibited in relationship to His heavenly Father. It was done willingly and gladly. Paul told the Ephesians that wives were to submit to their husbands as if they were submitting to the Lord Himself.

Paul tells husbands to love their wives and never treat them harshly. In Ephesians, he takes it a step further, explaining that their love is to be like that of Christ’s for the church. Christ died for the church. He gave up His life so that we might live. And His objective was to be able to present a church that without spot, wrinkle, or any kind of blemish. So the kind of love to which Paul calls husbands is difficult, if not impossible. There is no doubt that most wives find it hard to submit to their husbands because they fail to love in the way that Christ did. Many men find it difficult to love their wives, because they refuse to acknowledge their God-ordained authority and responsibility as the heads of their households. And some of those same men have failed to take seriously that God-ordained authority and responsibility, turning over the reigns of their home to their wives. Keep in mind, all of this is to be done in a way that it is accompanied by tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.

Children are to obey their parents. Not just when it’s convenient or falls in line with their own desires, but at all times. In other words, always. They are to submit to their father and mother – willingly, gladly, humbly, and regularly. At the same time, fathers are not to aggravate their kids, driving them to despair or discouragement. Don’t irritate them, or arouse within them feelings of bitterness or resentment. Some fathers are experts at exasperating their children by setting up unfair or double standards. They say one thing and do another. They live lives of hypocrisy, demanding of their children what they are unwilling or unable to do themselves. That can be discouraging and defeating for a child.

Paul tells slaves, of which there were many in the New Testament church, to obey their masters in every area of their lives. Many of these slaves had come to faith in Christ and yet were still required to live as slaves in the society in which they lived. In some cases, they could have actually attended the same church as their owners. And Paul calls them to live as redeemed slaves, serving their masters out of reverence and fear for the Lord. They were to submit to their masters, working diligently and recognizing that their efforts were to be done with a degree of integrity and consistency, marked by a new nature provided by the indwelling Holy Spirit.

In Paul’s context, faith in Christ was to be lived out in the context in which one found themselves. He told the Corinthians, “Each of you should continue to live in whatever situation the Lord has placed you, and remain as you were when God first called you” (1 Corinthians 7:17 NLT). If you were a slave when you were saved, remain one. But be a redeemed, holy, set apart slave. If you were married, remain so. But live in such a way that God gets the glory. Submit, love, humble yourself, show mercy, extend kindness, and live in patience with one another. “Remember that the Lord will give you an inheritance as your reward, and that the Master you are serving is Christ” (Colossians 3:24 NLT).

Father, this is difficult stuff. Living in submission, loving sacrificially and selflessly, obeying willingly, and serving faithfully are all hard things to do. But that is what it means to live differently and distinctively. You have called us to a higher standard, but You have also provided us with the Holy Spirit to equip and empower us to pull it off. So that at the end of the day, You get the glory. What a difference we would make in the world if we actually lived this way – in obedience to Your will and empowered by Your Spirit. Amen.

Ken Miller
Grow Pastor & Minister to Men
kenm@christchapelbc.org